Wearing multi-pocketed pants, a plaid red and blue shirt, and a pack, The Man shuffled with his eyes down. He was so accustomed to the smell of petrol from the oil and herbicides on his chosen mode of travel, that it did not register in his brain.  He was making a game of achieving the pace, which allowed each shoe to land on a crosstie. The amusement helped keep him attentive, as he was tired, and his alertness was not sharp, and his mind wanted to replace the current smell with salt air. The man looked up.  His hair lifted on the back of his neck. He stopped to listen for a train.

            He heard footfalls, sticks breaking, and brush pushed aside to his left and turned to see a group of four uniformed men running out of the woods and down an embankment towards him. The Man angled to the right to get off the tracks so he could run unimpeded. But the group was fast and caught him and dragged him back up onto the tracks. There, they hit him and beat him on his body and his face, and he was thrown to the ground. He could smell their sweat and their fear, as they began removing his pack. He grabbed it and held it tight to his chest as they continued to hit him in the face. The nearby train-whistle made them all pause, and they released their hold on The Man and the pack.

            With the train insight and a short distance away, their faces turned ashen, and their eyes sprang wide open. “Train-Drifter” took this opportunity to roll over the right rail and down the short embankment. He knew that trains in this area traveled fifty-five miles per hour and would be on top of them in seconds.

            The group of blue-uniformed men with DVP stamped in yellow on the back of their jackets hesitated. Two of them jumped off the tracks and the other two reached with their arms as if they could somehow stretch far enough to catch the man. Realizing their intended prisoner had escaped, they jumped to avoid the iron monster.

            The Man knew that this passenger train would be short and he did not have a lot of time. His attackers would be looking for him as soon as the train passed, so he ran for the woods as hard and as fast as he could. His fervent instincts caused him to run in the opposite direction of the trains travel, as he suspected the DVP men would continue to

My Thoughts/Comments:

Wearing multi-pocketed pants, a plaid red and blue shirt, and a pack, The Man shuffled with his eyes down. He was so accustomed to the smell of petrol from the oil and herbicides on his chosen mode of travel, that it did not register in his brain.

I’d recommend some scene-setting first. Why? Because we don’t care what he’s wearing until we know where we are. Earth, we’d assume, but what time period? Men jumped trains in the 1920’s to find work – that’s where my mind would go first. What time of year is it? Is it December or July? Don’t tell us, show us. Is the air crisp? Snow on the ground? Is he sweating? What color are the leaves on the trees? Are there even trees? See how we don’t know?  You say, ‘chosen mode of travel’, before we know what that IS, making the reader stop, and read back, to be sure they didn’t miss anything. That’s an example of a question you don’t want the reader asking. Also, you have a POV violation – we’re supposed to be in his head, so if something doesn’t register, you can’t say it. See what I mean? That’s why I say this feels like omniscient POV, but it’s not, because a narrator wouldn’t know what’s going on in his head at all.

He was making a game of achieving the pace, which allowed each shoe to land on a crosstie. The amusement helped keep him attentive, as he was tired, and his alertness was not sharp, and his mind wanted to replace the current smell with salt air. The man looked up.  His hair lifted on the back of his neck. He stopped to listen for a train.

It’s not until ‘crosstie’ that we find out he’s on a train track. You say ‘amusement’, but that doesn’t fit with the tone of the beginning – he’s watchful – we sense danger. Why does the hair lift on his neck? You never say, and it’s important. He’d have plenty of time to get off the tracks, so it can’t be worry about the train. It’s okay to build suspense, if you give us some context. 

I’m going to try to rewrite this, below. It may not be right for your story (I’m making some assumptions that might not be correct), but hopefully it will illustrate what I mean.

     The man shuffled through the dead leaves covering the railroad ties, his feet finding them more by repetition than by knowing. The smell of diesel and creosote mingled with the dying smell of autumn. Jobs were hard to come by this summer, and if he didn’t get a roof over his head by the time the snow flew . . . better not to think of that now. He stopped, listening. There! Rustling from the embankment above. Five dark-jacketed men broke from the woods and ran toward him, yelling.

Now, we need to see his emotion – heart rate speeding, dread…etc. since we don’t know why they’re after him, if we see that it’s important to him, it will help us care. Why? It goes to stakes. For example, if he’s just been jumping trains because he has no money, the reader will have empathy for him. If he’s a child molester, they’re going to feel very different! I think it’s important here to give the reader a hint. It doesn’t have to be a lot – just something like: He hadn’t meant to kill that girl–it was an accident. Couldn’t they see that? 

            He heard footfalls, sticks breaking, and brush pushed aside to his left and turned to see a group of four uniformed men running out of the woods and down an embankment towards him. The Man angled to the right to get off the tracks so he could run unimpeded. But the group was fast and caught him and dragged him back up onto the tracks.

I have a logic issue here. He’s on tracks. Tracks are dangerous. So when they catch him, WHY would they drag him back to where there’s danger? They’re going to have their hands full, capturing him as it is – why make it harder? I don’t see a way around this without rewriting the beginning. What if he was asleep in the woods, and wakes just before they’re on him? Then he runs to the tracks and they catch him there? See how that solves your logic problem?

There, they hit him and beat him on his body and his face, and he was thrown to the ground. He could smell their sweat and their fear, as they began removing his pack. He grabbed it and held it tight to his chest as they continued to hit him in the face. The nearby train-whistle made them all pause, and they released their hold on The Man and the pack.

            With the train insight and a short distance away, their faces turned ashen, and their eyes sprang wide open. “Train-Drifter” took this opportunity to roll over the right rail and down the short embankment. He knew that trains in this area traveled fifty-five miles per hour and would be on top of them in seconds.

To increase tension, cut words. We’re in his head, and thoughts would be short, cut off, jerky. Don’t describe every single thing, or repeat. Less is more, in tense situations. Show us how those blows FEEL to him, from the inside, and that he’s desperate to hold onto that pack.  Why are they afraid? And why isn’t he? There could be a really cool reason for this (maybe he has a bomb in the pack?) but you never tell us, so the potential cool thing doesn’t really do anything.

            The group of blue-uniformed men with DVP stamped in yellow on the back of their jackets hesitated. Two of them jumped off the tracks and the other two reached with their arms as if they could somehow stretch far enough to catch the man. Realizing their intended prisoner had escaped, they jumped to avoid the iron monster.

Since I don’t know what ‘DVP’ stands for, your mentioning it doesn’t help. Even fast trains signal their approach by sound and vibration. They’d have plenty of time to get off the tracks before it was upon them. This is a bigger threat than losing their prisoner, so I don’t understand why they’d wait so late. Unless, he has a nuclear device, or an airborne pathogen in that pack. But since we don’t know, it doesn’t make sense.

The Man knew that this passenger train would be short and No time! Heartbeat chugging louder than the train, he sprinted for the woods.

Do you have problems showing close POV? Post a sentence, and we’ll work on it!

 *     *     *     *     *

Laura is teaching her, First Five Pages class, at Lawson Writers Academy. It starts today! Come polish your opening, and learn how to make it pop! https://www.margielawson.com/product/jan-2020-your-first-five-pages/